March 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to ‘Forbes,’ Microsoft founder Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world. He regained the title the old fashioned way, by murdering Warren Buffett.

2. New England quarterback Tom Brady’s stolen, game-worn Superbowl jersey was recovered yesterday in Mexico found in the possession of a member of the international media. A story where Tom Brady is the hero and the bad guy is a Mexican journalist, or, as Trump refers to it, a wet dream.

3. Today is world puppetry day. Although some people have been celebrating for a while:

4. According to ‘Forbes,’ Donald Trump is worth $3.5 billion, which is a third of what he claimed he was worth during his presidential campaign. Which means somewhere in Trump Tower Melania is frantically typing 3.5 billion divided by 2 into a calculator.

5. Adidas has been testing a store where shoppers can design a sweater, have a body scan to determine fit and get it knitted by a state-of-the-art machine within hours. “You had me at sweater and full body scan,” said Cosby.

6. Yesterday, Eric Trump, the 33-year-old son of President Trump announced that he and his wife Lara are expecting their first child. Lara will obviously carry and deliver the baby because Eric is allergic to any type of labor.

7. According to a new interview, actor Tom Cruise has been training for over a year for a stunt in the upcoming ‘Mission Impossible’ film. That stunt, kissing a real, live woman.

8. The Cincinnati Zoo recently brought in a dog to take care of three tiger cubs abandoned by their mother. Or, I missed the best episode of ‘Maury’ ever:

9. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Which is still 15 minutes longer than Melania.

10. In a recent interview, comedian and actor Tim Allen said all the hatred for President Trump in Hollywood makes the town feel “like 1930s Germany.” “That’s not true,” said George Clooney and Mel Gibson for very different reasons.

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