1. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking’s newest prediction is that aggression will cause the end of the human race. That or stairs.
2. Yesterday former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman was named the United State’s ambassador to Russia. Said a confused Trump, “Wait, then what’s my job?”
3. Over 10% of the Republican’s new healthcare bill focuses on denying Medicaid to lottery winners. And, under the new plan, ‘lottery winner’ includes anyone who makes it to age 65 under this new healthcare law.
4. On Tuesday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised schoolchildren on the first public White House tour. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Miss Teen USA pageant contestants.
5. On Tuesday, LinkedIn said they had failed to reach an agreement with the Russian authorities to restore public access to the social networking site. So now, the best way to network with Russians is to be in Trump’s cabinet.
6. Yesterday, Republican House member Jason Chaffetz was widely panned for saying Americans may need to decide between buying healthcare and the newest iPhone. Although, in his defense, I can think of at least one American whose health would probably benefit from not having a phone:
7. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. And, considering how many of my prayers have gone unanswered, I’m guessing the Bible and my cell phone have the same shitty reception.
8. Last week in Japan, authorities discovered the body of a man underneath a massive pile of pornographic magazines. So let that be a lesson to you kids, online pornography saves lives.
9. Last week, 120 diners celebrating a baptism at a restaurant in a small town in Spain all fled the restaurant at once without paying the bill which totaled over 2,000 euros. A story that President Trump no doubt loves because it combines two of his favorite things, Spanish people leaving and not paying bills.
10. The Israeli government voted on Sunday in favor of decriminalizing recreational marijuana use. Because apparently, the one Jewish state in the world that is completely surrounded on every side by Muslim countries wasn’t already paranoid enough.