March 9. 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman was named the United State’s ambassador to Russia. Said a confused Trump, “Wait, then what’s my job?”

2. On Wednesday, China granted the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Or, if you’re an American citizen, you can just stay here and get fucked by Trump for free.

3. Over 10% of the Republican’s new healthcare bill focuses on denying Medicaid to lottery winners. And, under the new plan, ‘lottery winner’ includes anyone who makes it to age 65 under this new healthcare law.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised schoolchildren on the first public White House tour. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Miss Teen USA pageant contestants.

5. According to experts, the Republican’s new healthcare bill will cover 20 million less Americans than Obamacare. And maybe Trump’s not concerned about it because he doesn’t know what one million, let alone, 20 million, people looks like:

6. On Tuesday, President Trump met with Harvey Levin, who founded the celebrity gossip website TMZ, in the White House Oval Office. Which can only mean one thing, the Access Hollywood bus already booked.

7. The official name of the Republican’s new healthcare bill is “The World’s Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017.” Republicans named it that in hopes that Democrats will read the title and just stop there.

8. Fan are upset that “Iron Fist,” a Netflix martial arts series, stars a white actor instead of an Asian-American. Said Netflix, “If you’re upset about this show, you may also hate “The Last Samurai.”

9. Last night, President Trump had dinner with Ted Cruz. Man, how could he possible eat anything with that face peering at him from across the table, you could say of either of them.

10. A YMCA in Pennsylvania has banned its members from watching cable news while working out to prevent fights in the gym. Which stinks, because if you’re forced to work out at a YMCA I’m guessing that’s the only place you have access to cable TV.

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