March 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, people who have sex the night before are more productive at work the following day. Which I guess is why it took Mitch McConnell over eight years to come up with a replacement for Obamacare.

2. According to a new study, people who have sex the night before are more productive at work the following day. “Did the study say anything about productivity after having sex at work?” asked Bill Clinton.

3. In a new interview, actor Alec Baldwin said he doesn’t think he’ll continue to portray the president on ‘Saturday Night Live’ for much longer. That story again, Alec Baldwin doesn’t have a good Mike Pence impersonation.

4. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer argued that the Republican healthcare bill set to replace Obamacare is better because it’s smaller than its predecessor. A claim, that if successful, he will undoubtedly try to apply to other situations:

5. President Trump on Tuesday endorsed a bill by Republican lawmakers to replace the Obamacare healthcare law. Which makes sense, Trump does have a history of endorsing things he’s never read:

6. On Tuesday, LinkedIn said they had failed to reach an agreement with the Russian authorities to restore public access to the social networking site. So now, the best way to network with Russians is to be in Trump’s cabinet.

7. New homeowners in Houston made a shocking discovery this week after they found human remains inside one of their walls. So it’s not so much if, but when these walls could talk.

8. The inaugural World’s Most Beautiful Vagina Contest took place this week. And even though no one’s talent was table tennis, there were plenty of ping-pong balls flying around.

9. Yesterday, Republican House member Jason Chaffetz was widely panned for saying Americans may need to decide between buying healthcare and the newest iPhone. Although, in his defense, I can think of at least one American whose health would probably benefit from not having a phone:

10. President Trump said on Tuesday he is developing a plan that will encourage competition in the drug industry and bring down prices for medicines. And he will unveil it once ‘Fox & Friends’ tells him what that plan is.

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