February 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dubai police have summoned a Russian model who posed for a video while dangling from a skyscraper to sign a pledge not to put her life in danger again. That unbelievable story again, someone in Dubai values a woman’s life.

2. The United Arab Emirates announced that it wants to establish a city on Mars by 2117. “You had me at sending Arabs to Mars,” said Trump.

3. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:

4. There are workshops popping up around Germany that teach children how to hold a match and light fires safely. Which explains Germany’s version of Smokey the Bear’s new motto, “Only you can prevent forest fires, but come look how cool this shit is!”

5. According to a new poll, a majority of Trump supporters believe the media is their enemy. So, strike two, Univision.

6. During a town hall in Arkansas Wednesday night, a 7-year-old boy asked Senator Tom Cotton not to cancel PBS Kids so that President Trump can build his wall. Which is ironic, because PBS Kids is where Trump first got the idea to build the wall:

7. In a recent interview Mariah Carey said she’s incapable of living in the real world. So true, the real world can be a scary place, for instance, sometimes you turn on the TV and ‘Glitter’ is on.

8. President Donald Trump said on Thursday he wants to ensure the U.S. nuclear arsenal is at the “top of the pack,” saying the United States has fallen behind in its weapons capacity. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

10. According to a new study, men who don’t exercise regularly have stronger sexual libidos than men who do. Thus, doing the impossible, making me somehow feel worse for Melania.

11. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Her bail hearing will be on Thursday and his funeral will be on Friday.

12. This week, Pope Francis expressed displeasure with the current smartphone culture, proclaiming that texting at the dinner table could lead to war. A comment that seems directed at one, specific person:

13. King Salman of Saudi Arabia will visit Indonesia next month, along with his 1,500 person entourage. Finally answering the age-old question, what would it look like if MC Hammer ran a country.

14. According to reports, Fukushima survivors are being urged to return to the nuclear disaster site by the Japanese government despite radiation levels similar to Chernobyl. Although, if they were really affected by the radiation, the government could probably just use a magnet to drawn them back.

15. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Begging the question, if Herbert Raymond McMaster and Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III are in D.C., who’ll be tryin’ to catch dem Duke boys?

16. Before introducing her husband at his rally in Florida, First Lady Melania Trump led the crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. And it really was inspiring, to think that the woman who has lived with Donald Trump for the past 12 years still believes in God.

17. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ McKinnon ordered the sea bass, while Hillary ordered a full investigation into Trump’s ties with Russia.

18. 10,000 men dressed in loin-cothes gathered for the Naked Man Festival in Japan to scramble for a pair of lucky sticks blessed by a priest. Said every man at some point during the day, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s not one of the sticks!”

19. Researchers at the University of Toronto have discovered that only a handful of brain cells are linked to bad memories and they are able to delete single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. Begging the question, can they delete future memories, like, I don’t know, the entirety of the next four years?

20. According to a new study, doctors who feel burned out or overwhelmed by the demands of work are less likely to view their work with patients as a “calling” that has meaning. Does the same hold true if the doctor himself is a burn-out?:trump-doctor

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