February 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 330 pound teen in Texas lost over half his body weight to get revenge on his school bullies. So let that be a lesson to you kids, bullying works!

2. On a recent trip to Cambodia, Angelina Jolie and her children were spotted eating cooked tarantulas, crickets, and other bugs. Said the kids, “We want to live with Brad.”

3. Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel announced that he may leave his late night talk show on ABC in three years. “So, where do I send my resume?” said Jay Leno

4. During a recent news conference, Iceland’s President said, if it were up to him, he would ban people from putting pineapple on pizza. Which is the kind of fun presidential news conferences we could have been having if you assholes had voted for Chris Christie.

5. A woman in Slovakia who allegedly filmed herself urinating on the Koran and then burning it faces six years in jail. Slovakian officials call it, “a despicable act of hate,” while President Trump calls it, “the hottest thing he’s ever heard.”

6. Yesterday, professional provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos resigned as an editor at Breitbart News amid a firestorm over recent and past comments. Yeah, good idea, you wouldn’t want to give Breitbart a bad name.

7. An indoor football team in Salt Lake City is using a realtime app to let it’s fans vote on which plays to run. “So I can just hack the app to find out what plays the other team is running, what a time saver,” said Bill Belichick.

8. A Colorado man recently survived a 40-foot fall down a chimney while he was trying to make a parkour video on a roof with friends. Said the 4-year-old living in that home, “Oh no, Santa’s a douchebag!”

9. Lindsay Lohan claims she was “racially profiled” while wearing a headscarf at London’s Heathrow Airport. TSA agents reportedly pulled her out of line because they thought she was Muslim and, then, when they realized who she was, called for a complete cavity search.

10. A 13-year-old boy from Palestine, known for his contortionist skills, set a Guinness World Record for “most full body revolutions maintaining a chest stand in one minute.” So good luck ever getting that 13-year-old boy out of his bedroom.

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