February 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a survey of historians released on Friday, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Franklin D. Roosevelt were ranked as the top three presidents in U.S. history. Said Donald Trump, “I have it on good authority that 1 to 3 million illegal historians voted in that survey.”

2. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

3. Over the weekend, amid rumors that Disney is interested in making a live-action version of “The Little Mermaid,” actress Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of herself next to Ariel on Instagram. And she would make a great mermaid because she does already have crabs.

4. According to reports, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is pursuing at least three separate probes relating to alleged Russian hacking of the U.S. presidential elections. Said FBI director James Comey, “The first place we’re gonna check for evidence of Russian interference is in Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

5. During his campaign-like rally in Florida on Friday, President Donald Trump said, “I’ m here because I want to be among friends.” And, to that end, a plane ticket to Florida is a lot cheaper than a plane ticket to Russia.

6. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Trump said he picked McMaster because he had one very special quality, he said ‘yes.’

7. According to ‘The Boston Globe,’ when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dined at the White House last week, President Trump made him order the meatloaf. As opposed to Christie’s usual order of meatloaves.

8. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wore a number 46 jersey in Friday night’s NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, an apparent response to the 45th President Donald Trump’s recent tweet that Cuban is “not smart enough to run for president.” “Don’t you mean 47?” said Mike Pence.

9. In a recent interview, the Cleveland Cavalier’s starting point guard, Kyrie Irving, said he believes the earth is flat. Which still makes him more qualified to be Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos.

10. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ Reporters called it, “a fun, light-hearted meal between two friends,” while Bill called it his “nightmare.”

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