February 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:

wicked-witch

2. On Thursday, ‘View’ host Whoopi Goldberg invited Tiffany Trump to sit with her at an upcoming fashion show after reports that the First Daughter was shunned by some during New York’s Fashion Week. Upon seeing a picture of Whoopi sitting next to Tiffany, Donald said, “Which one’s Tiffany again?”

3. Scientists at Harvard claim they are only two years away from bringing the woolly mammoth back from extinction. “Ugh, I have to wait a full two years to shoot one?” said a disappointed Don Trump Jr.

4. According to reports, Burger King is in talks to buy Popeye’s. “Well, that’ll cut down on my daily commute,” said Chris Christie.

5. Yesterday, retired Vice Admiral Robert Harward, President Donald Trump’s choice to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, reportedly turned down the offer. Because any good Vice Admiral knows not to jump aboard a sinking ship. 

6. According to a new study, firstborn children tend to be the smartest. So here’s a scary thought, Rob Gronkowski has a younger brother.

7. A U.S. appeals court on Thursday struck down a Florida law that barred doctors from asking patients about gun ownership, ruling that the law violated doctors’ right to free speech. Although I still think it’s unprofessional for my urologist to ask me if that’s a gun in my pocket or if I’m just happy to see him.

8. This week, a dashboard camera caught a lost helicopter pilot landing on a highway in Kazakhstan to ask for directions. Unfortunately, if you ask anyone in Kazakhstan how to get out of Kazakhstan the answer is always, “I was hoping you knew.”

9. The Nigerian media claims that a woman recently gave birth to goat after a two-year pregnancy. Immediately after publishing the far-fetched tory, the Nigerian media was given a prominent seat in the White House press room.

10. According to reports, NBC is in talks to revive “American Idol.” And it couldn’t be better timing as Americans have shown how good they are at voting.

11. A tour guide at a Tanzanian game park has been arrested after wrongly translating a tourist’s comments about the country and its people. It is a crime in Tanzania to misrepresent other people’s statements, or, as Sean Spicer calls it, a career.

12. According to a new study, high schools that start at 8:30 a.m. or later see an increase in attendance and graduation rates. And, according to a study conducted by Secretary of Eduction Betsy DeVos, schools that start in the winter see a decrease in bear attacks.

13. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently revealed that they receive about 1.5 million calls from constituents a day. A number that I’m sure Schumer picked for no reason whatsoever:

trump-1-5

14. According to TMZ, actor George Clooney and his wife Amal are pregnant with twins. Begging the question, is Beyonce gonna have to cut a bitch?

15. The Forest Green Rovers, dubbed the ‘greenest’ soccer club in the world, are planning to build a sustainable, eco-friendly stadium with a small carbon footprint made entirely out of wood. I never thought I’d say this, but can we talk more about soccer?

16. According to police, for years inmates at a medium-security Atlanta prison have been escaping, going into town to buy supplies and sneaking back into jail. Begging the question, how shitty is Atlanta that a bunch of inmates broke out, looked around and decided to voluntarily return to prison?

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