February 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, news anchor Scott Pelley started “The CBS Evening News” by saying President Trump “is divorced from reality.” So add ‘reality’ to the long list of things Melania is jealous of.

2. Yesterday, Bob Costas announced that he is ending his 24-year runs NBC’s Olympic host, with Mike Tirico taking over the anchor seat at next year’s Winter Games in South Korea. Word or advice Mike, maybe wipe down that chair first:
costas

3. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Luckily, he’s able to catch a quick nap every day during his intel briefings.

4. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Because after four to five hours the bed tends to get too soggy.

5. A new study found that people with older phones were 56 percent less likely to get a date. So if you have a new iPhone 7 and still can’t get a date, you ugly.

6. WeBot, is a new Facebook bot that allows users to find protests near them. “No need,” said Trump looking out the White House front door.

7. Domino’s has created its own wedding registry that lets pizza-loving couples stock their wedding wish list with Domino’s menu items. Which is great news for this happy couple:
peyton

8. According to sources, in his first call as president with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump denounced a treaty that caps U.S. and Russian deployment of nuclear warheads as a bad deal for the United States. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans don’t know that Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing. And, if they’re shocked by that, wait till they hear who’s president now!

10. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. As a result, his seeing-eye-dog has made a few adjustments:
bullet-dog

11. A new study found that childhood cancer survivors are just as satisfied with their sex lives as people who didn’t have cancer. You can read more about that in this month’s medical journal of ‘Why Would You Even Think To Study That? Quarterly’

12. Bejing’s top official on transplants said on Tuesday that Beijing was “mending its ways” from a murky past when organs were taken from detained or executed prisoners. My brain thinks that’s a good idea while my donor kidney wants to murder him.

13. In a recent interview, actress and writer Lena Dunham said that she had to avoid shooting graphic sex scenes for this season of ‘Girls’ while intern Malia Obama was on set. That story again, this season of ‘Girls’ will be even more unwatchable than the previous ones.

14. A South Carolina woman claims she can control President Donald Trump through her bracelet. Because, I assume, her bracelet has Steve Bannon’s phone number on it.

15. President Donald Trump’s choice to lead the Labor Department, Andrew Puzder, admitted on Monday to employing an undocumented immigrant as a house cleaner. “That’s no way to treat a maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

16. According to reports, the U.S.’s bacon reserves have hit a 50 year low. That story again, you’re about to find out how gross dates taste on their own.

17. After previously saying he would have voted for Donald Trump in the presidential election, Kanye West has now deleted all of his tweets supportive of the new president. “Wait, you can delete these things?” asked Trump:
trump-tweet

18. The U.S. House of Representatives voted on Monday to require law enforcement authorities to obtain a search warrant before seeking old emails from technology companies. And, in related news, the Clinton Foundation is now a technology company.

19. Donald Trump’s personal physician said the president takes four pills every day. Adding, “Or is it one pill every four days? I don’t know, I’m not a good doctor.”:
trump-doctor

20. Disney fans have started an online petition asking that the Donald Trump figure set to be installed in the Hall of Presidents be a silent robot. Although, if Disney really wants to make it accurate the Trump robot will talk but only when the Steve Bannon robot hidden behind him tells him to.

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