February 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A financial analyst told CNBC Wednesday that Donald Trump runs the U.S. like a family business. Begging the question, can an entire family be Fredo?

2. Yesterday, while speaking about the legal challenges to his immigration ban, President Trump said that even a “bad high school student” would rule in his favor. And now, thanks to Betsy DeVos, that’s the only kid of high school student we’ll have.

3. The recently released memoirs of Judy Garland’s ex-husband, Sid Luft, claim the child star was groped by Munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. It’s beginning to sound like it’s a tiny hands thing:

4. The popular app Pokemon GO announced that they will be holding a Valentine’s Day in-game event. Said the app’s creators, “We’re fairly certain that our users won’t have plans that night.”

5. Funeral directors in Quebec are trying to curtail people from taking corpse selfies at funerals and posting them on social media. That story again, if you see Larry King, just ask for his autograph.

6. Nineteen rabbis were arrested Monday night outside a Trump hotel in New York City while protesting the President’s immigration ban. Chuck Schumer called the arrests “a disgrace” while Steve Bannon called them “a good start.”

7. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. Because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun politely asking the bad guy with a gun where exactly he is in the room.

8. Dozens of topless women demonstrated in Buenos Aires on Tuesday to demand the right to sunbathe semi-nude. Begging the question, did George Soros pay those protestors in ones?

9. A family in Bangladesh has been arrested after using a fake penis to trick villagers into believing a genie had performed a sex change on their teenage daughter. Although, if I were the police I would have waited a day or two before making that arrest just to see what the next step in that plan was.

10. During CNN’s Town Hall Tuesday night, Ted Cruz awkwardly congratulated a woman with multiple sclerosis multiple times. But, in Cruz’s defense, he was congratulating her on not having whatever disease that makes Cruz act and look like that.

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