February 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night the New England Patriots took on the Atlanta Falcons in Superbowl 51. And, somehow, the winner was still ‘La La Land.’

2. Sunday night, the Atlanta Falcons blew a 25-point lead to lose Superbowl 51. It was such a big collapse that experts are sure that James Comey was somehow involved.

3. Nissan is recalling more than 341,000 Altimas because the doors might open if a rear window is lowered. Although, if you think about it, do you really need a reason to recall Altimas?

4. A man who went on a Tinder date ended up alone nude and robbed at an Oregon motel after the woman took his clothing, wallet and cellphone. Even worse, she didn’t look anything like her pictures.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are increasingly less open to the possibility of their children marrying someone from the opposite political party. But I defy even the stanchest liberal woman to try to turn down the pure sex appeal that is Mitch McConnell:
mcconnell

6. After a two week Caribbean vacation, Barack Obama is back in Washington D.C. Or, as Trump sees it, the Muslim travel ban is not working.

7. The Mexican government reported on Friday that homicides in its country had risen by 22% in 2016. So, I guess they aren’t sending ALL of their murderers here.

8. Saturday night, LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in a career. Although, not according to his hairline.

9. In recent days, a rash of Ku Klux Klan fliers have been showing up on lawns in Maine. Which is weird because I always figured KKK members looked at Maine and thought, “Mission accomplished.”

10. “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” star Sugar Bear confirmed last week that he wed girlfriend Jennifer Lamb in a secret Georgia backyard ceremony. So congratulations to the happy couple on their marriage and, I assume, their pregnancy.

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