February 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, when President Obama and First Lady Michelle wanted to have sex in the White House, the Secret Service used a coded language and said “they are discussing the Bosnian problem.” Not to be outdone, when President Trump and his Slovenia model wife Melania are being intimate, the Secret Service refers to it as “the Slovenia hostage crisis.”

2. It is being reported that Jared Kushner has lost seven pounds since Inauguration Day because his father-in-law, President Donald Trump, has been ignoring him. Which explains why Tiffany always looks so thin.

3. A California woman was arrested last week after she reportedly stabbed a man with a pair of scissors during an argument about a threesome. “So, maybe?” said the man.

4. According to a new study, men with bald heads are often seen as more dominant and successful by everyone around them. Unless the glare off their head is too bright, then the people around then can’t see anything at all.

5. A new survey found that one-third of Americans delay going to the doctor to avoid hearing bad news. Like “You have cancer” or “Your blood pressure is too high” or “It’s a girl.”

6. A woman has filed a complaint with German police alleging she was told to squeeze her breast by security at Frankfurt Airport to prove she was lactating. And you don’t want to know what they made her husband do to prove that he had a vasectomy.

7. Last week, A Spanish singer-songwriter performed for 380 embryos at an IVF clinic in Madrid, in an effort to boost fertilization rates. But, take it from me, if you want to boost fertilization rates play some Barry White.

8. According to a new study, kids who are bullied at school suffer academically. “So they’re stupid too, good to know,” said bullies.

9. A Florida man was arrested on Tuesday after deputies discovered he was smuggling 24 gallons of moonshine whiskey disguised as water. Word of advice to those officers, maybe test those 18 kilos labeled ‘flour’ as well.

10. According to reports, First Lady Melania Trump may not move into the White House at all. Yeah, no shit, that’s where Donald is.

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