January 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, hall of fame hockey player Chris Pronger checked singer Justin Bieber into boards during a celebrity hockey game. Begging the question, can you induct someone into the Hall of Fame twice?

2. President Donald Trump’s statement on Friday’s Holocaust Remembrance Day noticeably omitted any reference to Jews. Although, to be fair, Trump addresses every birthday card he has ever sent to Tiffany as “To Whom It May Concern.”

3. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said on Friday that it is not so easy to change President Trump’s mind on the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Begging the question, have you tried complimenting him?

4. The United Nations reaffirmed on Friday that torture is illegal and that refugees deserve protection. If that’s the case U.N., you’re really dropping the ball in one specific case:

5. British Prime Minister Theresa May said on Friday that Queen Elizabeth has invited President Trump for a state visit later this year and he has accepted. It will mark the first visit between the leader who was born with a silver spoon and never had to work a day in their life and the Queen.

6. According to a new study, people who wake more often during the night to use the bathroom are also more likely to slip and fall. “Not if you never leave your bed to do so,” said Trump.

7. On Sunday, President Trump held a screening of “Finding Dory” at the White House, which tells the tale of a young fish’s journey to be reunited with her parents. Although, if he was interested in that type of story yesterday, he could have just watched the news:

8. A woman used counterfeit credentials and impersonated a congressional spouse to attend a Republican retreat this week on the same day President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence met with lawmakers in Philadelphia. Authorities became suspicious when a woman openly admitted to being married to a Republican member of Congress.

9. A student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison founded a chapter of the American Freedom Party, a white nationalists organization, on campus. That story again, someone looked around Wisconsin and thought, this could be whiter.

10. According to a new study, alternative treatments like Chinese herbal medicine and a Korean topical cream may help men manage premature ejaculation. Unless, of course, you have an Asian fetish.

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