1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.
3. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.
4. According to “The New York Post,” the Clintons are already planning their political comeback. “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” said James Comey.
5. President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer promised reporters on Monday that he would never intentionally lie to the press core. That story again, Donald Trump is in the market for a new press secretary.
6. President Trump is declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Presumably because “Black Friday” was already taken.
7. Prime Minister Theresa May promised on Sunday to challenge any “unacceptable” talk when she meets President Donald Trump later this week. And she might have her work cut out for her since the meeting is scheduled to take place on the Access Hollywood bus.
8. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. Or, more likely, he let a few Russian hookers loose on some previously white couches.
9. McDonald’s announced that they are offering two new versions of their classic Big Mac. So, now the coroner will have to be more specific on cause of death.
10. Britain’s police watchdog is conducting an investigation after officers were filmed firing a stun-gun at their own black race relations adviser who they apparently mistook for a wanted suspect. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like that guy has pretty good job security.