January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A court ruled that a South Korean temple can keep a Buddha statue stolen from Japan in 2012, on the grounds that Japanese pirates had stolen it from Korea centuries earlier. So, whatever you, don’t tell the Native Americans about this ruling.

2. Seven environmental activists who work for Greenpeace climbed a 300-foot crane in view of the White House and unfurled a banner with the word “RESIST.” And I am 100% on board, not because I agree with their actions, but because it means, at least for a brief period of time, there were seven less people on the sidewalk asking me if I “had a moment to talk about Greenpeace.”

3. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. Afterwards, the patients can’t see, but the trick is they no longer want to.

4. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. And, just like that, Republicans have a replacement for Obamacare.

5. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Even worse, the history lesson was about World War II.

6. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Although, I’m not sure what washing the teacher’s car had to do with history.

7. On Thursday, scientists moved the symbolic Doomsday Clock closer to midnight. And you can tell it’s really close to midnight because the carriage has already turned back into a pumpkin:
trump-tan

8. Yesterday, the Seattle Seahawks announced that assistant head coach Rocky Seto is leaving the team to enter the ministry. “What’s it like to still believe in God?” asked Browns fans.

9. President Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants brought to the United States as children, known as “dreamers,” should not be worried about deportation. Because it’s easier to catch them and throw them in the van if they’re not worried about it.

10. President Donald Trump could pay for a wall on the southern border with a new 20 percent tax on goods from Mexico, the White House said on Thursday. Which means, in the future, you’ll have to take out a second mortgage if you want guac at Chipotle.

11. Madonna denied on Wednesday that she was in Malawi to adopt two more children, saying her visit was strictly for her charity work in the African nation. Said Madonna, “Why? Was there a sale?”

12. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering writing another book. Although, from the looks of it, she may have writer’s block:
shining

13. A man in Mexico claims he has an 18-inch penis. Although, I’m pretty skeptical considering he just hired Sean Spicer as his spokesman.

14. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Which explains why Melania always insists on the top bunk.

15. Scientists have discovered a group of 170 kids in Africa that they believe can’t get AIDs. “I’m always up for a challenge,” said Charlie Sheen.

16. According to reports, President Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer chews and swallows 35 pieces of gum every day before noon. He does it to ensure that how he feels on the inside matches how he looks on the outside, disgusting.

17. Last week, an underwater cyclist set a new world record by traveling more than 2,800 feet on a stationary bike in one breath. The record set was the most times someone said “Why are we doing this again?”

18. A mother in West Virginia to suing to stop Bible classes from being taught in public schools statewide. That surprising story again, West Virginia schools have books.

19. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. And, I assume, a waterproof mattress to the Lincoln bedroom.

20. A California man had his two cars crushed by falling trees in two different cities on the same day. “You got off easy,” said Sonny Bono.

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