1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.
3. According to a new study, sex toys contain less dangerous chemicals than children’s toys. “Don’t you just mean ‘toys’?” said Woody Allen.
6. A security video shows a music store thief in Texas shove an entire guitar down his pants. He was able to do so because of his tiny piccolo.
8. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.
9. Singer Chrisette Michele says her family has cut ties with her after she performed at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Luckily for the band 3 Doors Down, their family members disowned them a long time ago.
10. On Wednesday, Trump Hotels announced plans to expand in the U.S. by tripling their locations. But you gotta be careful because the last Trump expansion led to Tiffany and Eric.