January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.

2. A busty contestant on France’s version of “Wheel of Fortune” suffered multiple wardrobe mishaps live on air. Not to be outdone, Alex Trebek whipped out his dong during Double Jeopardy:
trebek1

3. According to a new study, sex toys contain less dangerous chemicals than children’s toys. “Don’t you just mean ‘toys’?” said Woody Allen.

4. An inside source says that the plethora of negative media has prevented Donald Trump from “enjoying” his first few days in the White House. Well, at least he hides it well:
trump-unhappy

5. This week President Trump said that he is “to a large extent, an environmentalist.” In fact, he’s such a big fan of the environment that he models his look after the sun:
trump-tan

6. A security video shows a music store thief in Texas shove an entire guitar down his pants. He was able to do so because of his tiny piccolo.

7. According to a new study, climate change is making birds uglier. And they may have point because this is what Big Bird used to look like:
big-bird

8. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.

9. Singer Chrisette Michele says her family has cut ties with her after she performed at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Luckily for the band 3 Doors Down, their family members disowned them a long time ago.

10. On Wednesday, Trump Hotels announced plans to expand in the U.S. by tripling their locations. But you gotta be careful because the last Trump expansion led to Tiffany and Eric.

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