January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

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