January 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, sitting for more than 10 hours a day ages your body by eight years. And, in a related story, it turns out Stephen Hawking is only 25.

2. According to “The New York Post,” the Clintons are already planning their political comeback. “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” said James Comey.

3. Donald Trump took his first executive action as president on Monday morning, pulling the U.S. out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Because as Trump knows, not pulling out when you have the chance can lead to regrets:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it expected to agree upon a date for the first phone call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump very soon. But, until then, they’ll just have to settle for continuing to exchange dick pics.

5. President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer promised reporters on Monday that he would never intentionally lie to the press core. That story again, Donald Trump is in the market for a new press secretary.

6. Attendees at last week’s Sundance Film Festival were able to use augmented reality headsets to pretend they were in a room with “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm. “No headset required, I’ve been doing that for years,” said your wife.

7. President Trump is declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Presumably because “Black Friday” was already taken.

8. The White House said on Monday it plans to establish four “Skype seats” for its regular media briefings to allow news organizations outside of Washington to participate. And, I have to admit, it was kinda weird that they made that announcement in Russian.

9. According to a new study, half of U.S. men are infected with HPV. “Just add it to the list,” said Charlie Sheen.

10. A German company has launched a line of anti-sexual assault women’s underwear called ‘Safe Shorts’ that feature a combination lock and a loud alarm system. “One step ahead of you,” said Cosby: mission-impossible

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