January 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said those who spread fake news about President-elect Donald Trump are “worse than prostitutes.” I agree, those people are terrible, I bet they wouldn’t even pee on you if you were burning or had agreed to pay them to do so.
 
2. Benjamin Franklin’s very first piece of printing went on view at the University of Pennsylvania yesterday, nearly 200 years after it was last seen. Here’s a look at it:
test-page

3. After Civil Rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama’s election. And, technically he’s right, because back in 2012 Donald Trump wasn’t a republican yet:
trump-tweet

4. During an interview with “The Washington Post,” Donald Trump said he will repeal and replace Obamacare with a new plan but Americans should not be worried because “they’ll be beautifully covered.” Although, they may want to be at least a little concerned because this is coming from a guy who also thinks his head is beautifully covered.
 
5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Tuesday he doubted President-elect Donald Trump had met with prostitutes in a Moscow hotel room several years ago. Said Putin, “The tape is very blurry.”

6. After the ‘Washington Post’ spotted Mike Pence at a local Safeway, the Vice President-elect tweeted “when Mrs. Pence asks me to pick up ice cream, I pick up ice cream.” Meanwhile, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted, “when Mrs. Trump asks me to pick up ice cream, I pick up a new Mrs. Trump.”

7. In a recent interview, former football superstar Bo Jackson said he never would have played in the NFL if he had known the full health risks. But, on the plus side, that means Tim Tebow will live a long, healthy life.

8. Alexandria Vera, the Houston middle school teacher who got pregnant by her 13-year-old boy student has been sentenced to 10 years in prison. Said Vera, “Any chance it’s juvi?”

9. According to a new survey, one in three Americans would rather give up sex than their smartphone. “Talk about a Sophie’s choice,” said Anthony Weiner.

10. According to reports, Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly planning a nude photo shoot for 2017. Because apparently she wants to make something that is even more unwatchable than ‘I Am Cait.’

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