January 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new program at a prison in Italy is attempting to turn inmates into sommeliers by teaching them the finer points of wine tasting. Said one such prisoner, “I’m getting hints of chocolate and oak, I’m guessing this one was brewed in Snake’s toilet?”

2. A surgeon in Japan is being accused of licking the left breast of his patient following a procedure on her right breast. The doctor said he felt compelled to do so after someone accused him of being an HMO.

3. A picture from the U.K. has gone viral that appears to show a horse trying to get on one of London’s iconic red double-decker buses. “We’ve seen something like before,” said unimpressed New Yorkers:

4. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”

5. Former “Dancing with the Stars” cast members Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd welcomed a baby boy early Wednesday morning named Shai Aleksander Chmerkovskiy. Although it wasn’t all happy news, unfortunately the guy tasked with filling out the birth certificate died of exhaustion.

6. A new study found that people who live near busy roads with heavy traffic face a higher risk of developing dementia than those living further away. Thus confirming my suspicion that Gary Busey has been living under a bridge for years.

7. Comedian Rob Schneider is putting together a plan to buy the San Francisco 49ers. Although I don’t know if calling Adam Sandler can be considered ‘a plan.’

8. German trauma surgeons advised the public on Wednesday to walk like penguins to avoid slipping on pavements with freezing temperatures forecast nationwide over the next few days. Hopefully it will end better than when German citizens were asked to goose step.

9. A mother in the U.K. was charged $39.35 by a hospital to hold her newborn baby. “So, can anyone get in on that deal?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

10. A French man named Robert Marchand made cycling history on Wednesday by covering 14 miles in one hour at the age of 105. Shattering all preconceived notions of just how boring bike racing can be.

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