January 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop star Janet Jackson gave birth on Tuesday to her first child, a boy, at the age of 50. The newborn has his mother’s eyes, his father’s smile and, it’s a good bet, at least one of Michael’s noses.
 
2. According to new data, a toddler has now shot a person every week in America for two years straight. The scariest part about that statistic is that it proves that Donald Trump’s tiny little hands can operate a gun.
 
3. According to new data, a toddler has now shot a person every week in America for two years straight. As a result, President-elect Donald Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of all hospital labor units until we can figure out what is going on.

4. Bill and Hillary Clinton will reportedly attend the inauguration of Donald Trump later this month. So that should be a long, quiet car ride home.

5. Bill and Hillary Clinton will reportedly attend the inauguration of Donald Trump later this month. Hillary is going to take part in the Million Women March and Bill is going because he heard there will be a million women there. 

6. According to reports, Bill and Hillary Clinton will have near front row seats for the swearing in of President-elect Donald Trump. They would have had front row seats, but Trump already gave those to Paula Jones and Juanita Broderick.

7. McDonald’s has opened a franchise just steps away from the gleaming white marble dome of St. Peter’s Basilica. It’s the only place in the world where the fryers may be run by actual friars.

8. Over the weekend, a McDonald’s restaurant opened in Vatican City. Not surprisingly, everything is made out of the McRib.

9. The North American movie box office raked in $11.4 billion in 2016, making it the highest-earning year in history. So now, it’s only a matter of time until Donald Trump takes credit for that too.

10. Grammy Award-winning singer Mariah Carey shrugged off a botched New Year’s Eve show in New York’s Times Square, telling fans and critics on Sunday that life does not always go as planned. Which I believe were also her wedding vows when she married Nick Cannon.

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