January 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Ringling Brothers Circus introduced its first female ringmaster in 146 years. And I gotta admit it’s a nice change of pace that they voted for a woman over a clown:

2. Over the weekend, a college student in Florida was arrested for breaking into a house only for police to find him sleeping with a broom. But, in his defense, he was just doing it to make the vacuum jealous.

3. A sex therapist in California claims she is seeing a rise in women who voted for Hillary Clinton refusing to have sex with their Trump-voting husbands. Which explains why Bill Clinton’s new go-to pick-up line is, “You know, I voted for Hillary.”

4. This New Years Eve, twins were born in different years in three U.S. cities. Big deal, call me when a woman does enough kegels that she’s able to spread triplets over three years.

5. In a new interview with “Harper’s Bazaar,” Paris Hilton said she doesn’t want to be known as a reality TV star. Okay, whore it is.

6. On Monday, a 126-foot long Rose Bowl parade float, weighing in at 74 tons that featured dogs surfing, set the Guinness World Record for heaviest float. Replacing the previous record-holder, the 2009 Thanksgiving Day parade float featuring Starr Jones.

7. According to a new study, American women are drinking now more than ever. Especially one specific American woman:

8. A restaurant in Hawaii is refusing to serve people who voted for Donald Trump. Although, a “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” probably would have done the trick.

9. According to a new study, pets play an active role in the treatment of their owners’ long-term mental health problems. Cause you know how all those ladies with a bunch of cats seem to be doing just fine.

10. It was revealed last week that Alec Baldwin gets paid $1,400 every time he plays Donald Trump on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Which means, in the not too distant future, Cecily Strong, who plays Melania on SNL, will be entitled to $700 of that.

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