December 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. President-elect Donald Trump said Tuesday that he’s fully mended fences with House Speaker Paul Ryan, praising him as being “like a fine wine.” As opposed to Trump himself who is more like a fine whine.

2. According to a new study, men, on average, last two minutes during sex. “Two minutes has never felt more like an eternity,” said Melania.

3. An art gallery in Los Angeles has collected 12,756 VHS copies of the film “Jerry Maguire.” If stockpiling VHS tapes of mildly amusing, rom-coms from the early 90s is considered art then my parent’s den must be the fucking Louvre.

4. After the town marshal and four reserve deputies walked off the job in protest on Monday, the small Indiana town of Bunker Hill was left without any police officers. While the protest is going on, residents are being asked to behave properly, storeowners are being asked to be vigilant and black people are being asked to shoot themselves.

5. A state trooper in New Jersey has been arrested and suspended without pay for allegedly pulling women over just to ask them out on dates. The drivers knew something was amiss when, after he frisked them, he turned around and said, “Okay, now your turn.”

6. NBC News is reporting that President Vladimir Putin was directly involved in the intel campaign conducted by the Russians aimed at influencing the U.S. election. That’s crazy, can you imagine having a president actually present and involved in intel briefings?

7. President-elect Donald Trump has announced that his first decoration for the Oval Office will be a 1987 letter from Richard Nixon to Trump. Which makes sense because Trump and Nixon have a lot in common, both were presidents, both are forever tied to hotels and both are called Dick for short.

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is planning to offer the head of the National Endowment for the Arts to actor Sylvester Stallone. Because, much like the rest of America, Trump has already forgotten about Scott Baio.

9. In a telephone call, President-elect Donald Trump told Vietnam’s prime minister he wanted to further strengthen ties between the two countries. Although, I’m not sure they were talking about the same thing:
trump-tie

10. Bruce Springsteen’s 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, referenced in his iconic song “Born to Run,” is up for auction. Singer Billy Ocean is thinking about selling the car from his hit “Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Car,” but can’t as of right because he is living in it.

11. The UK’s fertility regulator has given the green light to a treatment that will make it possible for babies to be made from two women and a man. “Who said anything about trying to make a baby?” said Bill Clinton.

12. An online novelty store is selling what it calls a ‘hipster’ nativity scene for $130. I don’t understand, everyone was wearing sandals, they all had beards, two guys showed up to the party with frankincense and myrrh, and they were giving birth in a barn, what did they change to make it hipster?

13. Facebook said on Thursday it will introduce tools to prevent fake news stories from spreading on its platform. Step number one:
facebook

14. Massachusetts on Thursday became the first state in the Northeast to legalize marijuana for recreational use. And what better way for weed to become legal than by announcing it over a month after the vote took place.

15. Actress Jennifer Lawrence is facing a backlash after admitting during in an interview that she used some sacred rocks in Hawaii to scratch her butt. But, in her defense, they weren’t sacred before.

16. On Friday, the attorney general of Cherokee Nation legalized same-sex marriage within the tribe. Which is great news for Never Had a Girlfriend and his ‘roommate’ Cries at the Ice Capades.

17. Filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for people to disrupt President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. Although, he wasn’t specific about what the message of the protests should be:
protest

18. A debt-ridden student in Australia blew $1.3 million on sports cars, speed boats, strippers and cocaine after a bank error gave him an unlimited overdraft. “I know what it feels like to waste that kind of money,” said Hillary donors.

19. According to doctors, consuming large amounts of marijuana can result in endless cycles of vomiting. Although, I imagine the constant Phish music also has something to do with that.

20. According to reports, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turned down several positions in President-elect Donald Trump’s incoming administration, including ambassador to Italy. Which doesn’t make sense, because you’d think with all the bridges in Venice, that’d be his holy grail.

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