December 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Tuesday night actor Alan Thicke, best known for playing father Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains,” died at the age of 69. Hey, God, you took the wrong beloved TV dad from the 80s:
cosby

2. A spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said Twitter was left off the invitation list for a meeting of technology company executives that took place in Trump Tower on Wednesday because it is too small. “I’ve heard that excuse before,” said Tiffany.

3. The Trump Organization said on Wednesday it has pulled out of a hotel venture in Rio de Janeiro that is currently part of a criminal investigation in Brazil. If only Trump pulled out more often:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. If India is really serious about this, from my experience, nothing gets moviegoers out of their seats quicker than a “written by M. Night Shyamalan” credit.

5. Donald Trump has chosen former Texas Governor Rick Perry to head the U.S. Department of Energy. So you can only imagine the prestigious cabinet position waiting for the person who actually won the last season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

6. On Wednesday, football Hall of Famers Jim Brown and Ray Lewis met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower in New York. Said Trump, “Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me!”

7. According to a new study, the use of alcohol, marijuana, prescription medications and illicit substances declined again among U.S. teens in 2016. That story again, we’re raising a bunch of nerds.

8. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s administration announced that 16-year-old singer Jackie Evancho, who competed on “America’s Got Talent,” will sing the national anthem at the President-elect’s inauguration. Not to be outdone, the winner of “The Biggest Loser” will head the President’s Counsel on Fitness & Nutrition and the winner of “America’s Next Top Model” will be the next First Lady.

9. According to a new study, California is the worst state for drivers. “No shit,” said Reginald Denny.

10. Over the weekend in Buenos Aires, Maria Eugenia Massei from Argentina was crowned South American pole dancing champion. Massei was so good that after her performance the audience wanted to give her a standing ovation but couldn’t at that particular moment.

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