December 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. Or, as we will refer to that number once Trump takes office, the good ole days.

2. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. And, yet, somehow, Geraldo still roams free.

3. A charity website is auctioning off a coffee date with Ivanka Trump. “You had me at date and lost me at charity,” said Donald.

4. The NFL announced on Tuesday that the 0-13 Cleveland Browns will play a home game in London next year. Which I assume is punishment for them sending Piers Morgan over here.

5. Yesterday, rapper Kanye West, who was recently released from a hospital after undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, met with President-elect Donald Trump. That story again, a man who may have serious mental problems met with Kanye West yesterday.

6. On Tuesday, President-elect Donald Trump had a fifteen minute meeting with rapper Kanye West in New York. Unfortunately, it took Trump twenty minutes to realize Kanye wasn’t Ben Carson.

7. A new restaurant has opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq called “Trump’s Fish” that uses an unauthorized logo of the new President-elect. Which means, twenty years from now, the correct answer to a junior high school history exam question of “Why did the U.S. declare war on Kurdistan?” will be “a fish restaurant.”

8. Yesterday, Microsoft founder Bill Gates met with President-elect Donald Trump in his midtown Manhattan office. Trump said he was happy Gates found the time to meet with him, unlike Apple founder Steve Jobs who keeps no showing all their scheduled meetings.

9. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. That’s harsh, in America, if you pull a stunt like that we just force you to play quarterback for the 49ers.

10. Major League Baseball has banned the practice of ballplayers hazing rookies by making them dress up as women. So now, if a player says he’s a “switch-hitter” there won’t be any confusion.

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