December 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ But I wouldn’t worry about it, in the words of a very wise man, no one reads Time Magazine anymore:trump-tweet

2. This week, Pope Francis declared it a sin to distribute fake news. So it sounds like it’s time for Mary to finally come clean about that ‘immaculate’ conception.

3. A Florida man played dead in an effort to get an uninvited guest to leave his house. So maybe O.J. was just trying to get rid of Kato.

4. A new study found that being optimistic is linked to living a longer life. So, on the plus-side for Jets fans, it will all be over soon.

5. This week, a judge in Argentine ruled that it was okay for a woman to marry her stepdaughter. Or so begins Woody Allen’s latest letter to Penthouse Forum.
 
6. On Wednesday, ‘Forbes’ named Johnny Depp the world’s most overpaid actor. Begging the question, was Adam Sandler not getting paid for those movies?
 
7. A New Zealand man of Asian descent had his passport photograph rejected when facial recognition software mistakenly registered his eyes as being closed. “Note to self, never go to New Zealand,” said Ben Carson.

8. A conservationist crossed the English Channel in a motorized paraglider as part of a near three-month project to track the migration of swans across Europe. Look, I’m no expert, but did he ever think the swans weren’t so much migrating as they were just trying to get away from the weird guy flying on a kite right behind them?
 
9. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she went to bed early on election night. Adding, “And I’m hoping I’s still sleeping and this has all been a bad dream.”

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ While, for a record fifteenth year in a row SpongeBob SquarePants was named High Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year.’

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