December 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bishop in the U.K. claims he can make men’s penises larger by massaging them with his hands. That story again, your uncle is now a bishop.

2. Twenty-two minutes after ‘The Chicago Tribune’ published a story in which the CEO of Boeing was critical of Donald Trump’s trade policy, the President-elect tweeted that he is canceling a $4 billion federal contract with Boeing. So, I’m begging, for the good of the nation, can the CEO of Twitter please say something bad about Trump!

3. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Or, as MSNBC will undoubtedly report, power hungry Donald Trump forces different branches of the military to battle for his own amusement.

4. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Unless, of course, he can come up with another bullshit medical condition and dodge that too.

5. Yesterday, President-elect tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Although, I think it’s because he prefers to travel by bus anyway:
access-hollywood

6. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Which is a sign of growth, because previously Trump would have waited until the contractor did the whole job before he refused payment.

7. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee said it was not sure if the refugee team that competed in this year’s Olympic Games in Rio will compete at the 2020 Games in Tokyo. “Don’t worry, come 2020, there will be plenty of refugees to pick from,” said Donald Trump.

8. Tuesday night, Golden State Warrior Klay Thompson scored 60 points in under 30 minutes. “Is that even allowed?” asked the Knicks.

9. The US military this month will return to the Japanese government more than 9,800 acres of land it has held since World War II. Please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey…

10. An exhibition aimed at blind people has opened in Prague, inviting visitors to touch artwork and enjoy pieces they would normally only read or hear about. Said one art-goer, “The Jackson Pollack tasted funny.”

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