December 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering appointed New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as ambassador to the United Kingdom. Johnson and the British can bond over losing to the Patriots.

2. Former Vice President Al Gore met on Monday with President-elect Donald Trump in what Gore called a “productive” session. The encounter marked the first meeting between the winner of the popular vote and Donald Trump.

3. Yesterday, David Duke tweeted out that Jewish people are not white. Alright, but then why do I own every Hootie and the Blowfish album, wear Crocs everywhere and DVR “Antiques Roadshow”?
 
4.  President-elect Donald Trump on Thursday said that he supports the completion of a pipeline project near a North Dakota Indian reservation, which has been the subject of months of protests by tribes and environmentalists. But I just assume he’s angry at Native Americans because they know how to run successful casinos.
 
5. North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory on Monday conceded the state’s contested gubernatorial race to Democrat Roy Cooper, almost four weeks after the November election. Or, as Green Party candidate Jill Stein refers to it, three months too early.

6. Yesterday, there was a recall of 1.9 million pounds of undercooked ready-to-eat chicken products. And, in a related story, your local Chipotle is closed today.

7. When asked about President-elect Donald Trump’s rhetoric in a recent interview, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said “there is a bit of a difference between the private person and the public person.” “Agreed,” said Billy Bush.

8. Vice President Joe Biden told a small group of reporters Monday that he may run for president in 2020. Oh man, he’s gonna be pretty pissed when he finds out there was an election this year and he could have run.

9. An 18-year employee of a New York Walmart was fired last week after he turned in $350 he found in the parking lot because he waited 30 minutes before he turned it in. But, I’ve seen the type of people who work at Walmart, there’s a good possibility that it took him the full 30 minutes to walk to the manager’s office.

10. Pornography website PornHub is selling an adult coloring book. It’ll give your left hand something to do while your right hand is busy.

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