1. Last week, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel announced that she will run for a fourth term in office. “Okay, now you’re just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.
2. The committee raising money for President-elect Donald Trump’s inaugural festivities is offering Trump supporters a candlelit dinner with the President-elect for a $1 million donation. Or, if you can’t afford that, it’ll just cost your dignity:
3. Breitbart News is going to war with Kellogg’s after the cereal maker decided to pull its advertisements from the far-right news site in protest of its political views. So now Breitbart readers will have to go someplace else to get their morning bowl of Special KKK.
4. This week, the Indian Supreme Court ruled that the country’s national anthem must be played before screenings in all movie theaters. But, to streamline the process, they have changed their national anthem to that “let’s all go to the lobby” jingle.
5. Donald Trump is set to become the richest American president in history. Unless, of course, he opens up another casino between now and inauguration day.
6. A version of Jurassic Park featuring robotic dinosaurs is being built in Japan. So now Jeff Goldblum’s acting won’t be the only thing robotic about Jurassic Park.
7. A bank in China denied a man without arms a home loan because he was unable to provide fingerprints. Said the man, “For the love of God, can you at least please scratch my nose!”
8. Last week, Miss Piggy saved 90-year-old Tony Bennett from falling off a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. So it’s gonna be really hard to tell when he finally goes senile: “A talking pig saved my life!” “Sure it did, grandpa, sure it did.”
9. President-elect Donald Trump has offered the post of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to former presidential candidate Ben Carson. Well, you had a 50/50 chance, Omarosa.
10. A Florida woman was arrested for calling 911 nine times in one hour to complain about President-elect Donald Trump. So, heads up Hillary supporters, the cut-off is eight.