December 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Sarah Palin said God helped Donald Trump win the presidency. Which I find hard to believe, because, if I know Donald, I doubt that’s what he was praying for:

2. It is being reported that when Donald Trump had dinner with Mitt Romney Tuesday night, the President-elect ordered garlic soup with thyme as an appetizer. Garlic can be rough on one’s breath, luckily we know Trump always carries around a box of Tic-Tacs.
3. On Thursday, President-elect Donald Trump expressed his support for Los Angeles’ bid to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. Even better, under Trump’s stance on climate change, come 2024, we’ll be able to hold the Summer Olympics any time of year.

4. New research reveals that participating in organized religion activates the same brain circuits that having sex and taking drugs do. Which isn’t surprising, since, if you’re doing them right, you see god during all three of them.

5. A sex therapist in Britain claims that women call their lovers “daddy” in bed due to a yearning to be dominated. And, also, because it’s seems weird to call him “Woody” or “Mr. Allen.”

6. This week pornography website PornHub released its first music video. Whereupon they were immediately sued for copyright infringement by Christina Aguilera.

7. Experts say that sex with robots could be become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, the toaster may be playing hard to get now, but, eventually, you’ll get there.

8. In a recent interview, designer Tom Ford said, if asked, he will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. But joke’s on Tom, Melania doesn’t even like to wear clothes:

9. Last week, comedian Rob Schneider tweeted about the aftermath of the presidential election saying, “I haven’t seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves!” Which can’t be true, because I’m sure some Democrats must have paid to see “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.”

10. A new study has found that children in the U.K. are among the least active on the planet. Not surprisingly, the British version of Pokemon Go was called Pokemon Come To Me.

11. Some college students in China have resorted to using nude pictures of themselves as collateral on student loans. We have a similar thing here in the states, it’s called stripping.

12. A Japanese designer has created a solar powered coat that charges the wearer’s cellphone. For instance, this guy is charging his Samsung:

13. Last week, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel announced that she will run for a fourth term in office. “Okay, now you’re just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

14. Inmates at a Swedish prison have reported the institution to Sweden’s Justice Ombudsman because they are not happy with the recreational activities being offered, especially the lack of arts and crafts. Also, they’re not huge fans of the daily anal rapings.

15. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction is more common among men with gum disease. Which shouldn’t be that surprising since one is a soft gum situation and the other makes your situation look like soft gum.

16. VH1 has renewed “Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner” for a second season. But they could just rerun the first season and say it’s new because that fan base isn’t gonna remember.

17. A scientist in Japan claims that eating ice cream for breakfast makes you smarter. That story again, two Japanese kids on each other’s shoulders dressed in a lab coat have successfully convinced a country they’re a scientist.

18. A drone carrying a load of illegal items, including two mobile phones, a saw blade and various bolts, was delivered to an inmate on the fourth floor of a Danish prison last week. Weirdly the accomplice delivered the drone to the inmate by sneaking it into jail in his butt.

19. The Roman Catholic archdiocese has launched an app nicknamed ‘Sindr’ that allows users to go to confession via their smartphones. That sounds like a great idea, just tell your easily hackable mobile device all the terrible things that you’ve done.

20. Cheetos is selling a set of earings and a ring on its website for $20,000. Or, as Chris Christie refers to it, one stop shopping.

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