December 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The committee raising money for President-elect Donald Trump’s inaugural festivities is offering Trump supporters a candlelit dinner with the President-elect for a $1 million donation. Or, if you can’t afford that, it’ll just cost your dignity:

2. Jim Delligatti, the creator of the Big Mac, died yesterday at the age of 98. As a tribute, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ate a Big Mac for lunch every day for the past 37 years.

3. Breitbart News is going to war with Kellogg’s after the cereal maker decided to pull its advertisements from the far-right news site in protest of its political views. So now Breitbart readers will have to go someplace else to get their morning bowl of Special KKK.

4. This week, the Indian Supreme Court ruled that the country’s national anthem must be played before screenings in all movie theaters. But, to streamline the process, they have changed their national anthem to that “let’s all go to the lobby” jingle.
5. On Wednesday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that he will be leaving his business “in total” ceding control to his children to avoid any conflicts of interest. No word on whether those conflicts are due to his foreign business holdings or the Trump company policy of not dating another employee:

6. This week, two grandmothers in Texas got into an argument in a local Walmart parking lot that ended in gunfire. And, in a related story, a Texas Walmart is looking for two new greeters.

7. Yesterday, Caitlyn Jenner revealed that the title of her upcoming book is “My Book of Secrets.” Wait, there are more!?!

8. In an effort to curb drunk-driving during the holiday season, police in a small Canadian town have announced that, on top of fines and criminal charges, drunk drivers will be forced to listen to Nickelback in the police cruiser on their way to jail. “Now, that’s police brutality,” said black people.

9. According to sources, protecting President-elect Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City more than $1 million a day. And even more money to protect him from his family:

10. Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person, celebrated her 117th birthday on Tuesday, swearing by her diet of two raw eggs a day. But that might be because she’s in training to fight Ivan Drago.

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