November 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that when Tiger Woods returns to golf first time in fifteen months this week he will be sporting a new sponsor logo on his golf bag of Monster Energy. Woods presumably picked Monster because Hooters is already sponsoring John Daly.
2. Donald Trump is set to become the richest American president in history. Unless, of course, he opens up another casino between now and inauguration day.

3. Yesterday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway was serenaded in the lobby of Trump Tower by the Naked Cowboy. Or, as he will be known in a week, Secretary of State the Naked Cowboy.
4. According to a new study, teenage girls who get along with their mothers are more likely to wait longer to have sex. “Don’t you think Mia is kind of a bitch?” said Woody to Soon-Yi.
5. On Monday, New York Representative Chris Collins called Mitt Romney, a possible Secretary of State nominee, a “self-serving egomaniac.” Although, considering the man whose cabinet he’s trying to serve in, I’m not sure if that’s a criticism or an endorsement.

6. This week pornography website PornHub released its first music video. Which is great news for anyone who missed Pop-Up videos.

7. A 23-year-old man in the U.K. called a hospital due to his 17-hour long erection. But, to be fair, he was calling everybody.

8. There was a massive data breach at New York City’s Madison Square Garden last week. Hackers were able to access customers very sensitive, and in some cases embarrassing information, like the fact that some of them are Knicks season ticket holders.

9. A version of Jurassic Park featuring robotic dinosaurs is being built in Japan. So now Jeff Goldblum’s acting won’t be the only thing robotic about Jurassic Park.

10. A bank in China denied a man without arms a home loan because he was unable to provide fingerprints. Said the man, “For the love of God, can you at least please scratch my nose!”

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