November 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A mall Santa in Florida was fired after telling a 10-year-old girl that Hillary Clinton was “on the naughty list.” “That’s incorrect on so many levels,” said Bill.

2. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Sunday that he looks forward to welcoming President-elect Donald Trump to Canada. Said Trudeau, “After November 8th, I’ve gotten very used to welcoming Americans to Canada.”

3. Last week, Miss Piggy saved 90-year-old Tony Bennett from falling off a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. So it’s gonna be really hard to tell when he finally goes senile: “A talking pig saved my life!” “Sure it did, grandpa, sure it did.”

4. President-elect Donald Trump has offered the post of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to former presidential candidate Ben Carson. Well, you had a 50/50 chance, Omarosa.

5. A Florida woman was arrested for calling 911 nine times in one hour to complain about President-elect Donald Trump. So, heads up Hillary supporters, the cut-off is eight.

6. During a ceremony at the White House on Wednesday, where he handed out several Presidential Medals of Freedom, President Obama took time to roast recipient Michael Jordan. Which, according to history, means that in four years Jordan will be president.

7. Prostitutes in the U.K. have created a website to rate customers. The website is called Luber.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump’s transition team said the President-elect has recently spoken with the leaders of Greece, Hungary, Panama, Slovenia and Sweden. Although, to be fair, Trump’s calls to Hungary, Slovenia and Sweden were just attempts to find his next wife.

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet is on track to be the least experience in modern history. Which is crazy, because he hasn’t even given Omarosa and Chachi positions yet.

10. After Mike Pence was booed by a crowd-full of people while attending a performance of “Hamilton” in New York, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted his admonishment saying “the theater must be a safe place.” He’s right, last night I went to Phantom of the Opera and a chandelier fell on the audience. Check your permits Phantom. Not safe. Sad.

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