November 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. A&E announced that its hit TV show “Duck Dynasty” will end after five seasons. Presumably because no one on staff knows what comes after five.
 
4. In the past week, more than 20,000 people have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. He’s only in his 230th trimester, so it may not be too late.
 
5. This week, a 1,100 pound man in Mexico left his bed for the first time in a decade. That story again, a bed in Mexico broke.
 
6. According to a spokesperson, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has spoken with nearly 30 foreign leaders since winning the election. But said he won’t make up his mind until the talent competition:universe

7. A congressionally-appointed panel on Wednesday called for the creation of a U.S. museum of women’s history, with preferred sites near Washington’s National Mall. Which finally explains why the Washington Monument looks like that.

8. Residents of a small town in Missouri are upset over a bondage club that operates right next to the local church. Yeah, you wouldn’t want the church-going kids to see images of people being tied-up and tortured:
jesus

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. “I like that idea, in fact, if you want to spend the next four years nowhere near Washington D.C. we’d be okay with that,” said half of America.
 
10. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. And also the weekdays. And also he doesn’t really want to be president.
 
11. New York’s Columbia University has suspended its men’s wrestling team as it investigates “racist, misogynistic and homophobic” text messages between team members. So let’s update the list:pad

12. According to a new poll, 75% of Americans were surprised when Donald Trump won the election. I trust those numbers, when have polls ever let us down before?

13. A 38-year-old British man set out on Sunday on a 2,000 mile swim across the Atlantic Ocean from Senegal to Brazil. Man, I really don’t understand how this Brexit thing works.

14. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. And, in related news, Hamilton’s lower leg is very sore today.

15. Experts say that parents may be able to reduce the chance that their children will develop peanut allergies by introducing the food early on, as young as four to six months of age. And, worst case scenario, it’s a great way to weed out the weak ones.

16. An Australian man linked to an outlaw biker gang has been arrested after police found a gun hidden in his butt. Said the man, “I’ve been looking all over for that!”

17. In a court motion on Friday, 79-year-old comedian Bill Cosby asserted that he intends to resume his stand-up career once litigation surrounding numerous sexual assault allegations against him draws to a close. Which I assume will be a nice treat for his fellow inmates.

18. Mabel Ball, a 108-year-old Illinois woman, who was born the same year the Cubs last won a championship, died only days after the team finally recaptured the World Series this year. “At this rate, I’m gonna live forever,” said Hazel Woods, a 110-year-old Browns fan.

19. A vibrator museum, chronicling the history of the sex toy, has opened up in San Francisco. The only to get into the museum is to first take a tour through the neighboring sex museum and come away unsatisfied.

20. In an interview with “60 Minutes,” President-elect Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage remaining legal across the country. An opinion I think he’ll stick to unless someone’s stupid enough to tell him that also means two guys can get married.

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