November 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump does not want to live full-time at the White House, but instead, wake up in his own bed in Trump Tower. I assume he wants to wake up in his own bed so he, like many Americans, can at least for a split-second pretend like this was all just a bad dream.

2. On Wednesday, Republican President-elect Donald Trump rejected reports that he was trying to get top-level security clearances for his children. Because ‘children’ implies plural:trump-ivanka

3. A Pennsylvania judge on Wednesday rejected comedian Bill Cosby’s latest bid seeking the dismissal of criminal charges that he sexually assaulted a woman at his home in 2004. Although I bet Cosby keeps trying, because, if I know one thing about him, it’s that he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

4. Singer Tony Bennett revealed in his new book that he ‘met’ his wife when her mother was still pregnant with her. Needless-to-say, Woody Allen is suing him for plagiarism.

5. Yesterday, rapper Iggy Azalea joked that she has “the best vagina in the world.” “I’ll be the judge of that,” said President-elect Trump loosening up his hand.

6. Mattel announced yesterday that they are making a version of Barbie based off of plus-size model Ashley Graham. “I thought I explained this to you, changing her body type isn’t gonna make a difference,” said Ken.

7. A new study has found that drinking a glass of wine before having a cigarette can help prevent some of the harm caused by smoking. So, at this point, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb might as well take up smoking.

8. A new study has found the blood from teenagers can rejuvenate the body and brains of old mice. Although the method is risky, especially if Minnie catches Mickey with those teens.

9. Entertainment Weekly reported that actor Corey Feldman proposed to his girlfriend right after Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Smart move Corey, get ‘em when they’re most vulnerable.
10. It was announced yesterday that Paula Abdul, New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men will all go on tour together next year. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

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