November 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to insiders, President-elect Trump is so disgusted with Chris Christie’s handling of the Bridgegate scandal that he’s kicking the New Jersey governor out of his inner circle. Here’s what experts believe the process of kicking Christie out of the inner circle will look like:sumo

2. It was reported yesterday that President-elect Donald Trump spoke with Russian President Vladimir Putin on the phone. It was reportedly a pleasant phone call during which Trump congratulated Putin on his victory.

3. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump named RNC Chairman Reince Priebus as his Chief of Staff. Which is ridiculous, because Scott Baio literally has years of experience of being in charge.

4. On Sunday, Newt Gingrich said newly-appointed chief White House strategist and former head of Brietbart News Steve Bannon can’t be anti-Semitic because he used to work in finance and in Hollywood. “Ditto,” said Mel Gibson.

5. According to report, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson is entertaining the idea of jumping into the political ring, including perhaps even a run for the White House someday. Which would somehow still make him the second president to appear at Wrestlemania:trump-wrestling

6. A Manhattan woman is suing clothing company Zara after she found a dead rat sewn into her dress. Which means somewhere in the world Lady Gaga is just wearing a normal dress.

7. Republican Senator Ben Sasse of Nebraska moonlighted as an Uber driver over the weekend, giving his constituents rides around town Saturday night. Sassy said in light of last week’s election results, he wanted a back up job plan in case this whole democracy thing doesn’t pan out.

8. A groom in South Africa was rushed to the hospital on his wedding night after he ‘strangled’ his penis by putting his wedding ring on his member during foreplay. But, on the plus side, his penis counted as the couple’s something blue.

9. Login credentials for over 412 million users of adult websites run by California-based FriendFinder Networks were compromised last month in the largest hack of 2016. And, just out of habit, Anthony immediately called Huma to apologize.

10. A man in North Carolina admitted to stealing $1 from a bank so he could go to jail to get free healthcare. And, just like that, Trump has a replacement for Obamacare.

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