November 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering his son Donald Trump Jr. for a cabinet position. Begging the question, is Don Jr. more Uday or Qusay?

2. The Trump Organization said on Friday it was vetting new business structures aimed at transferring management control to three of President-elect Donald Trump’s children. “Which three?” said a hopeful Tiffany.

3. Tens of thousands of people have signed up to participate in a “Women’s March on Washington” to take place on the day after President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated. Which explains President Trump’s agenda for his first day in office:agenda

4. Some Browns fans are planning a parade in Cleveland if the team goes a ‘perfect’ 0-16 this season. That’s crazy, there are still people who identify themselves as Browns fans?

5. Actor Alec Baldwin said he will not continue to play the character of Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. No word on whether the real Donald Trump will continue to write material for the character.

6. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey said she believes that Donald Trump has been humbled by his election victory. But, what I think she meant to say was, ”You get a czar! And you get a czar!”

7. Newsweek magazine was forced to recall 125,000 commemorative issues featuring Hillary Clinton on the cover with the headline “Madam President.” No word on what “High Times” magazine plans to do:high-times

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin for the position of Secretary of the Interior in his cabinet. You’d think, due to her previous comments, Trump would make her ambassador to Russia, but, so far, Trump’s been doing a good job of filling that role himself.

9. A man in Alabama bought a billboard that features his sex offender neighbor’s mugshot in an effort to get him to move. But, on the plus side, it let the neighborhood kids know which house had the best candy on Halloween.

10. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. So, if you’re over at Hamilton’s house, hungry and searching through his freezer, you better make damn sure that’s a pint of vanilla ice cream.

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