1. Yesterday, two bald eagles got stuck in a storm drain near Orlando, Florida. Authorities called it a peculiar situation while Democrats called it an apt metaphor.
2. A man in Britain has invented an app that helps men who suffer from premature ejaculation. The app is just a bunch of pictures of Anne Coulter.
3. After California legalized recreational marijuana use, rapper Snoop Dogg took to Twitter to celebrate the outcome. I’m just happy that Snoop finally gets to try pot for the very first time.
4. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Australia that flashes its genitals to ward off enemies. So maybe, just maybe, Anthony Weiner has been scared and trying to defend himself this whole time.
5. On Wednesday, Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf expressed concern about what President-elect Donald Trump’s policy toward African countries will be. Or, as Trump refers to them, the inner cities.
6. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was caught sneaking a peak at his wife Melania’s ballot while she was casting her vote. Which is not surprising, Trump has a long history of not trusting immigrants.
7. Last night Donald Trump won the state of West Virginia. Although it’s not too surprising that a man who has openly talked about how hot his own daughter is won over the residents of West Virginia.
8. Yesterday, a pregnant woman in Colorado stopped to vote on her way to the hospital to give birth. She said she voted for Hillary because she didn’t think she could handle two juvenile, cry-babies in her life.
9. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said on Tuesday the group’s publication of material linked to Hillary Clinton was not based on any desire to influence the U.S. presidential election. Said Assange, “Come on, we’re not the FBI.”
10. In response to a recent Hillary Clinton rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he gets “bigger crowds” than Beyonce and Jay-Z. Said nervous Trump handlers, “He said ‘bigger’ right?”
11. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. “Easy fella,” said the horse to Weiner.
12. Donald Trump was rushed off a stage in Nevada on Saturday by Secret Service agents during a campaign speech after an incident in the crowd. The last time Trump left a room that quickly, Tiffany was being born.
13. Last week, the Madrid Wax Museum unveiled clay busts of U.S. presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. They also melted a bunch of clay to make one for Ted Cruz.
14. A Houston-area teacher is accused of punching a 2nd grader in the face. But, in the teacher’s defense, the kid reads at a 3rd grade level.
15. Two former associates of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were convicted on Friday for their roles in the “Bridgegate” scandal. Prosecutors were happy with the outcome but said they “had bigger fish to fry,” which is either a veiled threat that they will be coming after Chris Christie or an ingenious way to lure him in.