November 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, President Obama welcomed LeBron James and Donald Trump to the White House. The handshakes were very different:
hand

2. Yesterday, President Obama welcomed LeBron James and Donald Trump to the White House. Because ‘welcomed’ is a very broad term.
 
3. Yesterday, two bald eagles got stuck in a storm drain near Orlando, Florida. Authorities called it a peculiar situation while Democrats called it an apt metaphor.

4. Wednesday night, many Americans exercised their rights to freedom of speech and freedom of assembly by taking to the streets to protest Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Something that Donald Trump himself said he approved of because, them gathering together in one place, makes it much easier for him to deport them.
 
5. Yesterday, after a meeting at the White House, Donald Trump said it was the first time he had ever met President Obama. So, on the plus side, he can tell them apart.
 
6.  During his visit to the White House yesterday, Donald Trump said he would be seek counsel from President Obama. Presumably for restaurant recommendations if he ever finds himself in Kenya.

7. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Australia that flashes its genitals to ward off enemies. So maybe, just maybe, Anthony Weiner has been scared and trying to defend himself this whole time.

8. Scientists in Britain have developed an accurate HIV test that uses a USB stick. And, in related news, Magic Johnson’s laptop has exploded.

9. A program at Yale University is working to bring solar power to low-income households. Or, as they are known around campus, the homes of Penn grads.

10. A major Australian hotel chain was ordered to pay $1.9 million to more than 1500 of its cleaners after a court ruled that the hotel had misclassified them as independent contractors. The hotel left the money on the bureau.

11. A man in Britain has invented an app that helps men who suffer from premature ejaculation. The app is just a bunch of pictures of Ann Coulter.

12. It is being reported that president elect Donald Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. Begging the question, if they’re in Washington who will be watering the plants on Skull Island?

13. German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Wednesday congratulated Donald Trump on his election victory and offered to work closely with him on the basis of the values of democracy, freedom, respect for the law and for the dignity of people. “Hard pass,” said Trump.
 
14. After California legalized recreational marijuana use on Tuesday, rapper Snoop Dogg took to Twitter to celebrate the outcome. I’m just happy that Snoop finally gets to try pot for the very first time.

15. Singer Justin Bieber is allowing anyone to spend New Years Eve with him for just $500,000. Which is perfect if you New Years’ resolution is to be a fucking moron.

16. Last week, a chimpanzee who spent years smoking and drinking while dealing cards at Russian casino died from a heart attack at the age of twenty-four. Although doctors claim the heart attack wasn’t caused by the smoking and drinking, but instead, because it finally happened:
banana

17. A former dentist has created a prosthetic mouthpiece that he claims gives better blowjobs. And I thought getting a lollipop was a happy ending a visit to the dentist.

18. To celebrate the Cubs World Series victory, the city dyed the Chicago River blue. But that doesn’t explain why Cleveland’s Cuyahooga River is brown in spite of the fact that the Browns haven’t won a championship in decades.

19. Police in England are looking for a man who stole $160,000 worth of accordions. He is believed to be armed and dangerous, thus earning him the moniker ‘Feared Al.’

20. In a recent interview, reality-TV star Khloe Kardashian said she loves going to Cleveland because no one recognizes her there. Marking the first time I have ever been jealous of people who live in Cleveland.

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