1. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out with late fees totaling $3,106.20. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
2. On Wednesday, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner checked himself into rehab. Although I don’t know how long he’ll stay in rehab considering what a big fan he is of checking himself out:
3. It was reported yesterday, that actor Johnny Depp will star in the sequel to J.K. Rowling’s film ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.’ When asked about Depp’s casting, Rowling said, “I don’t want the movie to be good.”
4. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Presumably because they already have a Grand Wizard.
5. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Of course, they made the announcement with their hoods on because even they know to be ashamed of voting for Trump.
6. Scientists have developed a Viagra mouth spray that works within seconds. Which explains why you grandpa’s breath is so fresh and your grandma looks so tired.
7. A 73-year-old man intentionally drove his 1980 Audi into a pool filled with 12,000 liters of Coca-Cola in an effort to rid his car of rust. “My beautiful pool!!!” yelled Chris Christie.
8. According to a new study, women are more likely to cheat on their partners if their mothers cheated as well. They are also more likely to slightly resemble the mailman.
9. Thursday evening, the plane carrying Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway while landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. And you know your campaign is going poorly when even LaGuardia Airport is literally trying to distance itself from you.
10. A Tennessee woman was arrested Thursday after numerous witnesses called 911 to report that a partially nude woman wearing clown makeup was blocking traffic. Begging the question, what was Christina Aguilera doing in Tennessee?