November 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night in Cleveland, the Chicago Cubs beat the Indians to win their first World Series title in over 100 years. And they celebrated like everyone in Cleveland aways does, by immediately getting on a plane and leaving Cleveland.

2. Last night, the Cleveland Indians lost the World Series to the Chicago Cubs after blowing a 3-1 series lead. And, to add insult to injury for Cleveland fans, on Sunday the Browns play.

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign announced that it had raised $100 million in October from “small-dollar” donors. “I put a lot of girls through college that exact same way,” said Bill:
strip club

4. On Wednesday, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner checked himself into rehab. Although I don’t know how long he’ll stay in rehab considering what a big fan he is of checking himself out:

5. It was reported yesterday, that actor Johnny Depp will star in the sequel to J.K. Rowling’s film ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.’ When asked about Depp’s casting, Rowling said, “I don’t want the movie to be good.”
6. On Wednesday it was reported that news website Gawker Media had reached a $31 million cash settlement with Hulk Hogan, the former professional wrestler who won a $140 million judgment against the site. So now, finally, Hogan might be able to afford a shirt that doesn’t always rip.

7. According to a new study, children exposed to food advertisements are more likely to over-eat, especially if they have a specific version of a gene linked to obesity. That groundbreaking study again, fat kids gonna eat.

8. Last night, Beyonce performed at the Country Music Awards. She has a cheating husband, so she’s really just a pickup truck and a shotgun away from completely fitting in with that crowd.

9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored an erotic  novel in 2012 entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. Even crazier, there was only one review on the cover:

10. Ninni Laaksonen, a former Miss Finland has accused Donald Trump of groping her during the 2006 Miss Universe pageant, claiming he grabbed her on the butt. So I guess he went in for a grab and she turned around real quick.

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