Monologue Jokes – October 31, 2016

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering Vice President Joe Biden for the position of Secretary of State in her would-be cabinet. So heads up Chancellor Merkel:

2. Thursday evening, the plane carrying Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway while landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. And you know your campaign is going poorly when even LaGuardia Airport is literally trying to distance itself from you.

3. On Friday, the FBI announced that it had found new emails related to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s use of a private computer server after the agency seized cell phones belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her husband, Anthony Weiner. Thus accomplishing what many have tried and failed to do for so long, get a cell phone out of Anthony Weiner’s hands.

4. The FBI said on Friday it was investigating more emails as part of a probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email system, just 11 days before Election Day. Or, as it was reported on Fox News:

5. A 10-year-old New Mexico boy was told he could not wear his Hillary Clinton t-shirt to school. Which is bullshit, because from what I’ve seen at most rallies, not wearing a shirt at all means you’re a Trump supporter.

6. Over the weekend, a giant load of manure was dumped outside a Democratic Party headquarters in Ohio. Police have one suspect:

7. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Which is stupid because you know in nine months his parents are gonna come out with a new edition iPhone 8:

8. Over the weekend, a hotdog cart in New Jersey exploded. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags statewide be lowered to half-mast.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump turned 35. I know the fact that she’s his daughter hasn’t prevented Trump from openly talking about dating Ivanka, but her turning 35 should do the trick.

10. A Tennessee woman was arrested Thursday after numerous witnesses called 911 to report that a partially nude woman wearing clown makeup was blocking traffic. Begging the question, what was Christina Aguilera doing in Tennessee?

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