October 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thanks to advancements in technology, men who fantasize about sex with giant women are now able to use virtual reality to make it happen. Which is good news, because Khloe Kardashian can only sleep with so many guys.
 
2. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. That’s crazy, what were the odds that both Ben Carson and Omarosa would be busy that day?
 
3. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. But, in her defense, “Women for Trump” signs don’t exist.
 
4. Yesterday, Twitter announced that it will be shutting down Vine, an app that allowed users to share six second videos. Luckily, if you want to continue watching short videos starring people of questionable talent, Jamie Foxx is now making commercials.
 
5. During an interview yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said his wife Melania will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race. The actual number depends on how many speeches Michelle Obama gives in the final days.
 
6. Melania Trump will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race, Republican candidate Donald Trump said in a television interview, apparently surprising his wife. Trump is no stranger to surprising women, but it usually has to do with how cold his hands are.
 
7. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Thursday that U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump behaved extravagantly during his campaign because he wanted to get his message across. Although Putin did not clarify whether he was talking about Trump or himself when he said ‘his message.’

8. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has asked his campaign to cut back on work identifying candidates for key jobs in his would-be administration and focus instead on bolstering his chances on Election Day. Ironically, one of the best ways to bolster his chances on Election Day would be to identify a new candidate for the role of president.

9. According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are already taken than those who are single. Which explains why Bill stays married to Hillary.

10. During an interview Wednesday night on MSNBC, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence accidentally referred to his running-mate Donald Trump as his ‘opponent.’ Although, in all fairness, Trump really is the only guy standing in Pence’s way of being the next vice president.

11. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So your late-wife might finally learn where the dishwasher is.

12. A jeweler in Texas is offering a free gun with the purchase of any engagement ring. The store also has a ‘no questions asked’ return policy on the ring.
 
13. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto on Sunday defended his decision to host a visit by U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump to Mexico, but he said it could have been carried out “in a better way.” For instance:
firing-squad
 
14. Monday morning, ‘The New York Times’ printed every insult Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has said during his campaign. And, in related news, ‘The New York Times’ has run out of ink.

15. On Thursday night, Donald Trump was booed at the Al Smith Dinner in New York City, where the presidential candidates traditionally gather to comically poke fun at themselves and each other. Donald, any comedian will tell you, don’t try out new material on the road, you should have stuck with the classics like: “No one has more respect for women than me” or “Mexico is gonna pay for the wall” or maybe just holding up your tiny little hands.

16. A secret Nazi military base in the Arctic has been discovered by Russian scientists. Said the Nazi soldier manning the base, “So, how’d the war turn out?”

17. On Friday, Australian Olympic gold medalist Mack Horton took to Facebook and Twitter to thank the person who spotted a suspicious mole on the swimmer’s chest on TV during the Olympics and urged him to get it checked out. A very good excuse that I wished I had thought of when my wife caught me watching women’s beach volleyball a little too closely.

18. A former Wells Fargo employee said she was so stressed over meeting quotas and selling customers unneeded services that she developed a habit of chugging a bottle of hand sanitizer a day. Say what you will about Wells Fargo, but my bank doesn’t even offer free hand sanitizer.

19. A woman in Seattle is auctioning off her virginity for $400,000 to help her family rebuild their house. I’ll only bid if she has a sturdy foundation and a ample second story.

20. Chilean President Michelle Bachelet had a rocky go of voting in the nation’s local elections on Sunday, having to return to the polls twice after leaving her ID behind and forgetting to sign her name. Even worse, she accidentally voted for the other guy.

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