October 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview Tuesday night, Newt Gingrich accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being, “fascinated with sex.” Luckily the most reliable cure for a fascination with sex is hearing Newt Gingrich talk about sex.
2. Monday night, at a campaign rally in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hugged an American flag onstage. “Aha! So he is capable of hugging,” said Eric and Don Jr.

3. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign announced that the Democratic presidential nominee will hold her election night rally in New York City. And, as an extra kick in the balls, they’ve rented out Trump Tower.

4. On Wednesday, former Illinois Representative and Donald Trump surrogate, Joe Walsh said on Twitter, “On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” Which I assume is a playful name for Walsh’s wife’s vagina.

5. This week, a Chicago man married the woman he anonymously donated his liver to, two years after the operation. So I guess they had their ‘something borrowed’ covered.

6. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So, even if you don’t care for coffee, you can still have a cup of Joe in the morning.

7. Megan Marx and Tiffany Scanlon, two contestants on the latest season of Australia’s version of ‘The Bachelor,’ are now dating each other. “I think I know what I want to do for my fantasy suite,” said the bachelor.

8. WWE wrestler the Undertaker visited the locker room of the reigning NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers ahead of their opening game against the New York Knicks on Tuesday night. Not to be outdone, an actual undertaker visited the Knicks.

9. Yesterday, on a Spanish-language TV show, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed that Mexican is her favorite type of food. Said Donald Trump, “You know, the two of us, we’re not so different”:

10. In a recent interview, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said the future of TV could be pills that make people hallucinate television shows. Which is the complete opposite of the much more common phenomena of TV shows that make people take pills:

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