October 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he wants to continue having “Trump rallies” for the next eight years. Yeah, they will, they’re called NASCAR races.

2. According to new guidelines, infants should sleep in the same bedroom as their parents for at least the first six months of their lives to minimize the risk of sleep-related deaths. And, just to be on the safe side, Donald Trump has insisted on sleeping in the same bed as his daughter Ivanka for the past 30 years.

3. The ex-wife of disgraced Subway pitchman Jared Fogle is suing the sandwich chain, charging that top executives knew of his pedophilia as early as 2004 and should have notified authorities. Although I think she may have known too considering this is the happy couple on their wedding day:
wedding

4. A mom in New York started a website called “Sh*t My Kids Ruined” full of pictures of things her children have destroyed. And, considering her first child was 12 pounds, 8 ounces and she didn’t have a c-section, so you can probably guess what the first picture she posted was of.

5. According to reports, after being fired from NBC, Billy Bush is planning to move back to Los Angeles from New York. Hopefully he’s taking a plane, because he has a history of bad things happening when he gets on a bus.

6. Police in Ohio are investigating after someone broke into a woman’s Jeep Wrangler, stealing approximately $1,000 worth of sex toys from inside. Even though she’s not a suspect, the woman asked if the cops would use their handcuffs on her.

7. An American team of robots defeated an Australian team of robots in soccer on Monday to win the RoboCup Challenge. So, unfortunately, in the future it looks like we’ll still have soccer.

8. Actor Luke Perry appeared on the cover of this month’s edition of AARP magazine after turing 50. And yet somehow still looks younger than Andrea Zuckerman.

9. Friday marks the 130th anniversary of the dedication of the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor. To celebrate, the inscription is being changed to “You know what, on second, you keep the huddled masses.”

10. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “we’re setting records with men, but I want to set records with women.” Begging the question, do criminal records count?

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