October 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Vanilla Ice’s wife filed for divorce after nearly twenty years of marriage. Begging the question, what’s half of nothing?
2. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

3. According to a new poll, parents would rather talk to their kids about sex than money. “Luckily, that’s just one conversation for me,” said Charlie Sheen.

4. The New Jersey Senate voted unanimously on Thursday to approve a bill requiring that the state’s student loan agency forgive the debts of borrowers who die. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, this is Edna from Rutgers’ student loan office. I have good news and bad news.”

5. A Tennessee man, banned from City Hall due to a restraining order, is running for mayor. “That’s it! If I become principal they’ll have to let me within 200 feet of a school,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Over the weekend, police determined an envelope of white powder sent to Hillary Clinton’s New York headquarters was not harmful. As opposed to the white power that consistently appears at Trump rallies.

7. On Friday, a singer knelt while performing the national anthem ahead of a Miami Heat preseason basketball game. “I wasn’t kneeling!” said Bruno Mars.

8. A Georgia teen who suffered a serious blow to the head during a soccer game, awoke from a coma speaking only Spanish. But, on the plus side, now that your kid refers to soccer as ‘futbol,’ you can pretend he plays a real sport.

9. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

10. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted that the Republican candidate is behind in the polls but added that’s only because Hillary “has some advantages.” Mainly, that her opponent keeps talking.

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