October 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged that the United States and India would be “best friends” if he is elected. “You can’t have two best friends!” shouted a very upset Chris Christie.

2. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said on Sunday that evidence implicated Russia in recent email hacks, contradicting his running mate, Donald Trump, who has cast doubt on Russia’s involvement. This was not the first time Pence and Trump have disagreed on an issue, just last week Pence revealed that he prefers to grab his wife by the hand.
3. According to reports, Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, informally approached an investment bank about setting up a Trump TV network after the presidential election. Trump TV already has some shows in the works including, “Locker Room Talk with Billy Bush,” “Make America Grate Again with Paula Deen,” and for some reason “Saturday Night Live.”

4. San Francisco 49er Colin Kaepernick was booed by Bills fans on Sunday as he continued his national anthem protest ahead of his game in Buffalo. Although the joke was on Bills fans because, once the game was over, Kaepernick got to leave Buffalo.

5. Over the weekend, scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The saddest part of the festival is that participants will now have to wait a full year until they have human interaction again.
6. Anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks said on Monday that its founder Julian Assange’s internet was shut down by the government of Ecuador. Or, more likely, Assange has Time Warner.

7. On Monday, the man convicted of shooting at George Zimmerman in a road rage incident was sentenced to 20 years in prison for attempted murder. Although he will be let off on good behavior if he can somehow follow through on that attempt.
8. In a recent interview, Melania Trump said her husband was “egged on” in the 2005 tape in which he made lewd comments about his own sexually aggressive behavior toward women. So we should be fine with a President Trump just as long as no foreign leaders are as cunning a manipulator as Billy Bush.

9. Yesterday was the U.N.’s International Day for the Eradication of Poverty. And, granted, I’m no poverty expert, but I feel like it might take more than a day.

10. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Sunday, Russia does not seek confrontation with the United States and is not trying to influence the upcoming presidential election. Adding, “Especially now that comrade Bernie is no longer running.”

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