October 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. When Mike Pence was asked to respond to an 11-year-old girl’s questions about body image and female objectification, the Republican vice presidential nominee responded by talking about foreign policy. Not one to shy away from a question, Pence’s running mate, Donald Trump, gave her body an 8, but her face a 5.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is calling for there to be a drug test ahead of the third and final presidential debate. And, in related news, can you do Gary Johnson a solid and pee in this cup for him?

3. Donald Trump said in a 2004 interview with Howard Stern about Lindsay Lohan that “deeply troubled” women are “always the best in bed.” Although, I’m not sure he has much in way of comparison because I can’t think of any other type of woman who would get into bed with Donald Trump.

4. Last week, an aggravated circuit judge in Jackson County dis-robed and helped tackle a defiant man during a hearing on a personal protection order violation. Just like Judge Judy has done so many times in my dreams.

5. A vineyard in Italy dispenses free, locally-made wine to the public 24 hours a day. So what, we have something like that here in America, it’s called the fourth hour of “the Today Show.”

6. Last week, a man in California was attacked by bears after interrupting them while they were having sex. But, on the plus-side, that’s technically a threesome.

7. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. Which is going to make for a very weird addition to the man’s ship-in-a-bottle collection.

8. After the latest episode of “Saturday Night Live,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took to Twitter and said, “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me. Time to retire the boring and unfunny show.” The only thing that would have made Trump more upset is if SNL hadn’t mentioned him at all.

9. An Italian porn director has opened up a school dubbed ‘Porn University’ to teach aspiring adult film stars the tricks of the trade. To be accepted as an actress, all you need is a clean health report and a letter of recommendation from your step-father or uncle.

10. NBC announced Friday it has pulled a Donald Trump-themed episode of “Law & Order: SVU” featuring a rich politician whose campaign goes off the rails after several women come forward with damaging accusations. Unfortunately, the country’s ongoing episode of “Fear Factor” will continue:
ballot

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