October 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl Child. Or, as it’s referred to in China, Tuesday.

2. This week marks the 90th anniversary of the first publication of the iconic Winnie the Pooh books. Eeyore celebrated like he always does, by downing fifth of whiskey and a handful of pills.
3. In a recent interview, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said San Francisco back-up quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem was one of the dumber things she’s ever seen on a football field. Then she watched the 49ers play the game and said, “I stand corrected.”

4. Verizon may shift marketing away from Samsung’s troubled Galaxy Note 7 mobile phone heading into the holiday selling season. Although, with phones exploding in men’s pockets, the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” tagline kinda writes itself.
5. According to a new study, if the previous occupant of a hospital bed received antibiotics, the next patient who uses that bed may be at higher risk for a severe form of infectious diarrhea. A similar study was conducted at every Days Inn ever.
6. British actress Emma Watson condemned child marriage during a visit to Malawi on Monday. Thus ending her chance of ever starring in a Woody Allen movie.

7. The TSA would start securing trains, buses and ferries under a new bill introduced in the Senate this week. Because there’s nothing I want to do more than take my shoes off inside the Port Authority.

8. Holly, one of Queen Elizabeth’s two remaining corgi dogs died on Monday at the age of thirteen. Which can only mean one thing, Holly ate the meat pie Prince Charles prepared for the Queen.

9. According to reports, Iran has blocked access to over 700 dating sites. Forcing residents to get their 99 virgins the old fashioned way.

10. Over the weekend, Paapa Essiedu, the first black actor to play Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company, won best performance at the UK Theatre Awards. The play is exactly like the original except, after Hamlet poses his famous question, a Charlotte police officer answers with “not to be.”

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