October 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During last night’s presidential debate, after Donald Trump’s highlighted Bill Clinton’s sordid history with women, Hillary Clinton chose to respond by saying “when they go low, we go high.” Which I assume means she’ll be grabbing women by the hair?

2. During last night’s presidential debate, when speaking on the topic of not bringing charges against Hillary Clinton due to her emails, Donald Trump said, “I’m so disappointed in Congressmen, including Republicans, for allowing that to happen.” There are a lot of things the Republicans in Congress allowed to happen that are disappointing:

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he hasn’t talked to his running mate Mike Pence and disagreed with his opinion regarding Syrian refugees. But, in Trump’s defense, would you want to talk to Mike Pence?

4. During last night’s presidential debate, when speaking of his opponent Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump said, “believe me, she has tremendous hate in her heart.” And i gotta admit, assuming any women in the vicinity of Donald Trump has hatred in her heart is a pretty safe assumption.

5. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump vowed that, if elected, he will put Hillary Clinton in jail for operating a private email server while Secretary of State. “Threatening to lock up your political opponents, I see the student has become the master,” said Putin.

6. Donald Trump issued an apology on Friday after the release of a video in which the Republican presidential candidate was recorded on an open microphone in 2005 talking in vulgar terms about trying to have sex with women using the phrase “Grab them by the pussy.” Said Melania, “You really lose something in the translation, it’s much more romantic in Slovenian.”

7. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has issued a public apology for a 2005 video in which he admitted to groping and forcing himself on women. So one apology down, 2,476 to go.

8. After being presented with a position Hillary Clinton took in a 2013 paid speech regarding free trade, Tim Kaine struggled to defend his running mate. “Welcome to my hell,” said Mike Pence.

9. In a recent interview, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said a Donald Trump presidency would be bad for the economy. And Hastings knows about bad business, he’s the guy who gave Adam Sandler a four picture deal.

10. The longest recorded human tail, measuring 20 centimeters, was removed last week from a boy in India. “Believe me, just because you get your tail removed doesn’t mean people will stop calling you rat-boy,” said this guy:

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